Though over many years of dating and meaningless hook ups I have experienced a multitude of lovers ranging in styles and proclivities there are three main personalities that have remained consistent in my sex life since living as a Single Adult Female fucking her way through Chicago. They each bring with them a specific obstacle whether it be emotional dysfunction, sexual dysfunction, or flat out sparseness. Allow me to describe what I’m dealing with here and you’ll have a better grasp of my terminology as you navigate this site in the posts to come.
When I wrote about this particular breed during my rants of 2012 I used the term Insecure Alpha Male. This is a great way to think about the Amateur when you hear his name come up, as it can be misleading given that he is often pretty great at sex (that’s the Alpha coming through). Amateur refers to his emotional capacities. Or really lack of ability to have any emotional self-awareness or control at all. He funnels it into his need to then control his surroundings, his social circle, his dates. The Alpha play-acting is born and you’ve found yourself someone that you can easily manipulate into a type of Sub/Dom sex focusing on aggression and body-to-body violent domination.
My sex numbers overwhelmingly counting Amateurs, I’ve come to really know what I’m getting when each new one comes strutting along. If played right I’m going to receive basic acts of domination plain and simple. I exist in a sexual field of force and a little aggression rather than plays of control or restriction. So basically it’s just good ol’ rough sex. Amateurs love those spankings, they’ll even slap my ass pretty hard but I wouldn’t expect them to know what the hell to do with a paddle or flog (or a spatula as I’ve heard from the occasional disappointed friend). I’m talking about Amateurs here, this is aggression, not art. Don’t get me wrong I can get my fill as a full on Sub. If they put me on top it’s in fact in a controlling way. They’ll still perform the actual motion of sex and maybe hold my arms behind my back, hold me still, overall contain my movement. I’m not actually doing any riding (thank god). And my tits are on full display to be grabbed or lunged up towards to bite at any point. There’s no turning around up there. Please. Like any young virile man these guys love those tatas. Doggy style is a must. It’s pretty forceful too. My face may be pushed into the pillow, no propping on the hands as if this is some poised position, it’s pure domination. In fact hands to the face or neck is a popular move. While in missionary I will get to lock lips and feel moments of tenderness but it’s directly contradicted with a smothering of the face or mouth, maybe some light choking. It’s rare to cross over to more painful acts though I have been able to induce a slap or two by not so subtly dropping the hint beforehand. In other cases I’ve met with more degrading forms of aggression like sitting on my face shoving a dick in my mouth or the need to cum all over it but this actually only seems to happen when a man is feeling particularly vulnerable which comes out afterwards during awkward unsolicited way-too-personal pillow talk.
Most Amateurs aren’t running around town spanking women and pulling hair though. They’re usually going down on her for 20 minutes and making out while they fuck face to face, maybe sitting up. The only way to experience rough sex from a man like this is to solicit it. How? By asserting your natural power. Remember the term Insecure Alpha Male. This means that the Amateur may come across as an Alpha, but he has only been able to maintain this status by a constant effort to contradict who he really is, a formerly nerdy introvert who was never too successful with women but jerked off way too much to Becky Two Tits in High School, that bitch who never glanced over when he passed her in the Hallway on his way to AP Bio. These men are usually highly intelligent complex thinkers. It’s why they are equipped with any self-consciousness to begin with, and also why they have been able to learn how to socially adapt and earn positions of power and a control of their surroundings. They may emerge outgoing and confident. They reek of arrogance. But most of it is just the mortar holding together the protective wall they’ve built around themselves in order to mask their crippling insecurity and fear of women (Becky Two Tits). I’d say overwhelmingly in my case – of their own mothers.
So when I say that I coerce the Amateur into fucking me like a Dom, I mean that I simply tap into his inner 14-year-old nerd with all that pent up frustration who doesn’t know if he wants to trip Becky so that she falls on her pretty little face or lunge over and throw his arms around her, feeling her pert breasts against his racing heart. Here’s the thing about Becky Two Tits – she’s always going to be desirable. Even if he does choose to push her down he’s still going to look back as her skirt flips up exposing that firm little ass. That’s masturbation material for a week! With the sexual goals I have in mind I just aim to be tripped. And it’s an easy task. Challenge his manhood.
There’s a really simple way to go about it. It’s what I all too often forget when I’m losing it over a man or intimidated by a new date or dissecting something hurtful someone said. MOST MEN ARE IDIOTS. Usually I truly believe that I, as a woman, hold all of the power and he’s just fumbling around trying to do and say the right things, and because of this I can really get whatever I want. Men are hilarious. Once I am able to stop taking someone seriously I immediately go into emasculation mode completely unaware of myself. This is exactly how I get the sex that I want. Bringing up other men I’ve dated, pointed slips of the tongue, sexual challenges. All subtle subversion. It’s not my intention to influence monster bitches by sharing this - running around treating men like dirt. This is more to demonstrate how much power we actually hold if we choose to use it. Not all men are idiots, and not all men are meant to be pushed and manipulated. But the Amateur… you can do whatever the fuck you want.
The reason why I may be so antagonistic towards this group is that over the years I’ve picked up on a particular masked misogyny and disrespect for strong and sexually independent women. It’s a sexism that has grown out of fear and perhaps childhood scarring and frankly has bruised me more than I’d like to admit. I remember once after a very lovely session with a man that I only saw on weekends after 1am, to both our liking, he said exactly “You’re just so bad for me. This is so good but I need a girlfriend who won’t like, let me cum on her face.” The multitude of problems with this statement will be addressed in other essays. But one thing this Amateur had done was Slut Shame me minutes after he came, while I was still in his bed, still nude.
Statements like this are not uncommon. Crude gestures or disrespectful quips indicating a marked disdain for sexually liberated women who aren’t restricted by the patriarchal structures of sex and relationships meaning we don’t need men to survive come my way constantly. They fuck me the way they do because they want me to need them. They want to regain the control that the Insecure Alpha Male feels he’s losing in a growing, changing community that continues to build more and more strong young women who have evolved way beyond the average man’s capacity to understand the realities of healthy adult relationships. I let them. It’s the power of being a Sub. I get exactly what I want and their emotional effort still only results in my sexual satisfaction. It’s win/win.
This is why I continue to give these assholes the satisfaction of going to bed with me. The sex is consistently good. And because of their outright fear of women I don’t care when their treatment of me comes out in totally offensive potentially hurtful ways. We can have complete control over this type of man. It has become almost impossible these days to take anything they say seriously. As a result of this I can almost always get mine, and perhaps now be ready to pick up on the right signals when I cross paths with a fully formed emotionally evolved adult male.
The biggest and saddest difference between an Amateur and Fuckboy is how easily they can get a woman out of her clothes. Fuckboys get the chicks it’s why everybody hates them. You know when you’re dating an Amateur because he is well aware of what a Fuckboy is, will throw out the term, and say it with a little spite. That means he’s losing women to this clearly less competent male who he considers just another pretty face. It sounds a lot like my writing in 2012 about the takeover of the HotDumbGirl. Lots of bitterness, not enough sex.
I honestly don’t have much to say about this guy. I barely have any experience actually fucking them, only just close calls saved by good common sense. And really because I don’t like having to work to get laid. And neither do Fuckboys. So our paths rarely cross. They also have been able to build themselves up to a level of societal cool that I don’t really observe. So not only do I never get approached by one, I don’t often have the desire to walk his way on my own.
It’s only partly true that a Fuckboy doesn’t like to do any work. They work on themselves, just not on you, so that in the end when it comes to courtship they appear desirable enough without having to put forth any effort to convince you of their worthiness. Whereas Amateurs will let you know the multiplicity of ways in which they are impressive during your conversation (and are really quite convincing), Fuckboys just expect that you will understand. Amateurs are salesmen. Fuckboys are actors. Both careers are based on the pillar of pure bullshit but in one he is selling with all of his cunning and in the other he is building the image of a character that will inevitably sell itself.
It’s hard to pinpoint a list of characteristics here because it’s specific to each social group. Most of the stories I have heard go like this: You hook up with a good-looking tattooed bartender who rides a motorcycle and doesn't think he has to do any work to get laid. You think you're in for a wild night then he prematurely ejaculates on your comforter and you never see him again. He’s fucked every smart successful woman's bedding in town.
Bartenders can be interchangeable with men in shitty bands or some brands of up and coming Artists. Anyone with that classic vintage badass look that has often been cultivated in order to compensate for an inability to fuck longer than 30 seconds.
An encounter I had recently went a little more like this: a guy spent two dates talking about all the cool shit he was going to do to me then I went ahead and slept with him, he put me on top, made me do Reverse Cowgirl and called it a night. I never saw him again while he likely continued to have High School Sex with every smart successful woman in town.
Also a bartender. But this move can be consistent with regionally successful musicians and the photographers and filmmakers who shoot them. They haven’t built up an image of rugged badassery, in this case it’s the façade that they possess a level of sexual prowess above the average man simply because they are borderline successful. You hear it in their music or observe it in their work, read it in between the lines of their manifestos. See it in their struts. It’s an embodiment of virility that really only comes from overconfidence and watching too much shitty porn. And we suffer from those high expectations because all they want is a bitch to ride their dicks and maybe suck it without any reciprocity. There’s certainly selfishness to blame, but out of a lifetime of entitlement there’s nothing to grow other than pure incompetence.
That’s the thing about Fuckboys. They’re human examples of false advertising. You may find one in Lincoln Park – the perfectly coiffed young financier with his pressed checked button down, Patagonia vest zipped over it, khaki chinos and boat shoes without a mark. He looks like he played lacrosse in college right? He’s so tall, he must have been a defenseman. You’ve got to be wondering what he would look like if you just unzipped, unbuttoned, unbuckled all that mess. He definitely still works out. Maybe jogs along Lakeshore with his black lab. But he’s not looking. Standing there alone at the bar with a gin and tonic just staring above everyone’s head occasionally glancing up to check the score of the Blackhawks game. Why isn’t he looking at you! You’re the hottest fucking chick in here. Hands down. You watch as groups of women in their tightest, sexiest little going out outfits approach him only to walk away minutes later, defeated, heads down with a little less pep in their step. What will please this man. What does he want. What does he fucking want???
An experience just like this led me to my first meeting with a flat out Fuckboy. Of course the term hadn’t been coined yet so I just took him as another massive douche. But here is how I chose to handle such a situation:
I walked up to this tall, beautiful, impossible motherfucker and said these words “If I hadn’t just taken a vow of abstinence I’d fuck you so hard your dick would come out of my mouth” and immediately turned around while that great big hand reached out to pull me back in. We exchanged a few words, phone numbers, No I actually just did take the vow, Cool I like the Packers, yeah engineer inventing shit impressive, and then I left. During my drive home five minutes later I received this:
I almost crashed my car I was laughing so hard. Even if Mr. Dickpic had made it to a cab, back to his apartment, undressed and taken that photo in his own bathroom which is clearly where it took place in all of those five minutes, he would have had to remember to put that gold cross on which was not visible under his slightly unbuttoned white shirt at the bar where we had just met. That was a stock photo Dickpic that he kept on his phone for just this occasion. Which is the one and only way a Fuckboy will put in effort to get laid - with picture of his dick. Call me old fashioned but I rule out as soon as I’m presented with an image that precedes the real life genital meet and greet. Really guys. What are we supposed to do with that. THAT’S your move?? Your Penis?? It’s the same thing as a man telling you all the ways he’s going to fuck you then not being able to perform. You can’t seduce a woman with your cock. What does that even tell us? It’s the simplest form of entitlement you can ask for. Here – this is my dick, because I have this dick you wanna put it in you of course, right? It’s like here – here are my tattoos. Because I have cool tattoos you want to fuck me right? My motorcycle looks really cool when I ride around with no helmet so you can see my man bun and black beard. This deserves sex. I’m so creative and powerfully unique but in kind of in a secret genius way that like I don’t really care no biggie but because I’m so humble after badatsports interviewed me I deserve sex right? My band is playing Empty Bottle for the THIRD TIME this weekend that’s like triple means for a quick fuck right? Yeah I’m a total Dom. I’m really into all the same stuff you are and I’ve done a lot of stuff. Like a looooooot of stuff you wouldn’t even know. I can show you the stuff you wanna see the stuff?
This is the reason why I don’t mess around with Fuckboys and why you need to know how to spot and avoid: sex may be fun and frivolous but we’re supposed to get what we pay for dammit! It’s partly the game that they play and partly us for creating these symbols of masculinity that we communicate will be rewarded with our desire just for being attained. We’ve created the Fuckboy by giving him everything, expecting even more, and not being able to hide the shock and disappointment when he can’t perform. They move so easily from one woman to the next because of this very fact. I don’t know how deep we are into this epidemic in order to turn it around, but I will say on an individual level if you want to avoid a great build up to really shitty sex – only let yourself sexualize a man AFTER you know what he’s like to fuck. Alpha Males, Doms, Tops – sometimes it’s really hard to tell until everyone’s naked and just getting real.
Though my terminology isn’t taken from BDSM play or relationships please bear with me as I describe a Master that instead is an imaginary role I’ve created that makes up for the wealth of disappointment and dissatisfaction I’ve felt from all of my past experiences. With a little sprinkling of the really healthy and positive attributes of both an ex boyfriend and my longest lasting Fuck Buddy. I’ve often tried to map out a Dream Guy when I’m in a rut and I want hold myself to higher standards. Oddly when I do this someone close enough seems to show up. It’s how I met Ray. The loss I’m still mourning, however selfishly. So in moving forward with this description it should be understood that I am pulling out little snippets of other women’s stories, moments in movies and TV shows, spontaneous sexual fantasies and close calls during intense conversations in order to build what may not even exist. I chose the word Master from a video I watched about Satin Bower Birds where in contrast to the Playboy he always had shit together and didn’t seem to even have to try to get laid. Here is my Master:
A teacher. First and foremost he is the only male on this list with a truly developed and heightened sexual prowess. This may come from a lifetime of exploration and comfort in his own body in order to interchange roles, experiment, try new things and allow himself to be vulnerable to his desires. It also comes from a long history of respect and admiration for women which can allow him to embrace this vulnerability without fearing consequence. Basically we’re dealing with someone who is far more evolved emotionally than the average man. I don’t know anything about his history. Who his parents have to have been. What kind of kid he was growing up. I have no idea. I don’t know how a man like this develops. Without any fear of women. Maybe just without a fear of me. Because I’m fucking scary. I keep everyone on their toes.
I want this experienced man who has had a multitude of partners and sexual lifestyles because I feel as though my sex life has always been extremely limited. I enjoy what I’m able to get and I’ve become really good at getting it consistently, but I’m bored. I’ve always been much more excited by fantasies far beyond the capacities of any Fuckboy or Amateur that I’ve dealt with. Being that I know nothing of what other circles of sexing exist I can only describe second hand inspirations that I’ve heard. Like the story Ducky Doolittle told at a talk my friend Minette and I went to at Chicago Ideas Week. She, another Sub, was directed, kindly, to buy a ball gag. Not her thing but whatever. Instead of bringing it home to use she was instructed to keep it in her purse. She carried that thing around for 6 weeks never knowing when the moment would come, until finally at long last she used a ball gag for the first time and beyond her greatest expectations it became her favorite toy. To watch her describe this story culminating with the way her whole face gushed with excitement recounting how it affected her upon first use I immediately wanted to go out and buy one for myself. To my embarrassment I backed out due to The Fear, much like the fear that some single adult males have when they never keep condoms in their apartments because they worry it will jinx them into never getting laid then you go over to fuck and you have to get one out of your purse because you’re a single adult woman and you worry that if you don’t keep one in there it will jinx you into unprotected sex.
Masters keep condoms in their apartments. Because they don’t have to worry about whether or not they’re going to have sex. Being confident self-assured adults they can indulge when they want and take a break when they see fit. Because sex is fun and frivolous and for pleasure. And a man who understands that isn’t so fucking desperate. And he isn’t ruled by his cock. And he’s got so much more important shit going on in his life that he has the freedom to be unhinged from sexual hang-ups.
I think what becomes clear in my experiences with most men is that they are slaves to their own dicks. This is what creates the fear of women in the first place. When constantly on the quest to conquer by penetration they are faced with the inevitable possibility of rejection. As soon as a man sees a woman as an equal then there’s no longer pressure to hold weight on a scale that doesn’t exist. The Master appreciates the company of a woman herself more than the fact that she appreciates his. The way this translates to sex has the potential to fulfill both our needs, and I have had the good fortune of two wonderful partners to know it exists.
The best kind of lover I’ve had and the kind that influences my vision of the perfect partner is the Giver. In fact Giver could even take the place of Master as choice of word. This may sound contradictory to how I describe my predilections but allow me to explain what a Giver actually gets out of sex.
A man who wants to give to you sexually gets off on your pleasure. His arousal is heightened by your reactions to his actions. In this regard any woman can solicit any type of sex from this one particular man. All he cares about is seeing her cum. Not immediately, not as some sort of accomplishment or trophy fuck, but he wants to experience her pleasure for as long as they can both take it. He shares my philosophy that sex is pleasure. And his needs are met when he’s able to meet those of his lover’s. This is the best way for me to get what I’m looking for. The men like this that I have been with aren’t naturally rough. They’ve tried things with me that they maybe had never imagined would feel good, or please a woman, or maybe not even be OK. But with open communication and the understanding that I feel erotic pleasure from the infliction of pain I was able to solicit acts I have never had the ability to force out of an Amateur or even suggest within the capacities of a Fuckboy. It was common to wake up after sessions with marks, bruises, scabs. It never made me feel particularly tough or like I was coupling with another badass. In fact we used to joke about what seemed like such silliness, a sexy silliness that remained strictly in the bedroom and had nothing to do with our interpersonal connection. Once sitting at brunch with an ex lover he pointed to my neck questioning the long thin geometric pattern stretched across one side. We couldn’t figure out what the hell it was until later when he looked down at his silver link medical bracelet and paused, mimed a chokehold, then burst out laughing.
The Master is such a special guy and so few and far between because he flat out loves women, and fucks because of that love. It’s a sorry statement to make but a lot of men are out there just looking for ways to feel better about themselves. Sex is the most powerful motivator in our culture. More powerful than success, money, and love. But by systematically ignoring its value and treating it as a prize to be won while focusing all of our virtuous attention on success, money, and love, we’ve created a general insecurity in most men and women who end up with no choice but to regain control through that one and only powerful life force: Sex. Those of us who understand and appreciate its true value, that we need pleasure in our lives not proof, have the duty to share with our friends and more importantly find lovers who live by the same moral standards. If we’re not fucking for pleasure, and fucking partners who are pleased to bring us pleasure, well we’re just giving more life to the culture of Fuckboys and Amateurs.
I’ll find a new Master, because great men do exist. It’s really only a matter of remembering that sex is fun, frivolous, and purely, only, fundamentally, for our PLEASURE.
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