Let it ring loud and clear that I am a Submissive. Let it ring loud and clear that I am Dominant. Let me take a moment to explain how this works.
You may know what Topping from the Bottom means in any specific sex act. A true Sub lives his or her life, both in and outside the bedroom, dominating the relationship through submission. A more cynical onlooker would call it subversion. It’s really just the emotional dynamic of givers and takers. Once you understand who is actually giving and who is receiving, then it makes a whole lot of sense.
I take on a very traditionally submissive female role during sex. I prefer to sleep with large men who can physically dominate me. Other than fellatio, which I consider a very powerful act, I don’t do any work or perform any moves on him. For the entire session the man is the giver and I am the taker. While I may be spanked, bitten, constrained, choked, smothered, slapped, or placed in precarious positions, in any healthy relationship he is the one bursting with emotion and action. I am simply allowing it or not, measured purely by the meter of my own pleasure. I would argue that even when a man is not so healthy and is aggressively acting out I still hold all of the power. This is usually the case in my sexual encounters and I begin to get off on how even more than his desire to please me he is actually desperate for my approval. It becomes evident when I get the men who want to cum on my face or in my mouth. Once I had a man who so tellingly pretended that he withheld his cum then joked about women who spit after giving head saying “But I made that for you baby. That’s mine.” Men who want you to swallow their cum well – they just want to be loved. And every time I put a dick in my mouth I relish in all of the control I have over that precious organ that gives them so much purpose, esteem, insecurity and perceived power. I take care of it. I hold their valuables at my disposal.
When the clothes are back on and I’m face to face with my lover out in the real world the dynamic of giver and taker holds true but starts to change color. I’ve seen the dynamic in some couples who practice BDSM in far more extreme levels than what I prefer and there seems to be a clear emotional divide between the two partners. You’ll find that while a Dom expresses his or her feelings through sado sex acts they will come out just as deeply in the form of tenderness, love, adoration and devotion when the couple carries on outside the bedroom walls. Submissives like myself tend to remain a little shut off. Stoic may be the correct term. I often feel like too much is being asked of me. I certainly am not capable of giving back the same level of affection. This doesn’t take away from the Alpha quality of the men that I date. I stick to leaders of the pack, chiefs of the tribe, your overall Masters that run their social circles and are used to having power in any given situation. Being an Alpha Male and being emotionally available aren’t mutually exclusive. In fact Secure Alpha Males usually don’t know any other way. My act of dominating this man isn’t so much putting him in a position of weakness, it’s more that by remaining emotionally unavailable I maintain the control. Expressions of love and affection are his was of offering it to me, acknowledging the power that he is perfectly comfortable knowing I possess.
When confronted with difficult men who don’t necessarily understand that it’s ok letting a woman have power it becomes that much easier to take it. These are your face-cummers, your talk-downers, your basic goddam mommy issues. I have been with partners who fuck me the way I’ve described above but when we leave the sex behind they hold on to the physical aggression and translate it into the way they communicate. (This being the most important difference between healthy Sub/Dom sex and the inauthentic – the healthy male feels no actual aggression whereas the Amateur is finding a place to vent all of his.) I have slept with men who attack my character, criticize my passions and life choices, disrespect my sexuality after Loving my sexuality, set up conversations littered with landmines, even just flat out call me a whore. What most people don’t realize, these men especially, is that when you speak with disrespect or hostility you are immediately showing weakness. When you ask a million questions even with the intention of manipulating you’re acknowledging your own unimportance. By placing any sort of focus or emotional investment on me, positive or impossibly negative, you are simply throwing your hands in the air saying “You got me woman! You bitch you got me!” They’re frustrated, confused, pissed off and every once in a while knocked down one or ten more pegs when I choose to open up and sternly, logically, without any heat or emotion, let them know exactly why they are frustrated, confused, and pissed off. It usually doesn't change much. In fact it seems to make it worse. They just give it to me harder - give me their anger, their fear, their revenge fantasies, their hate, and I just take it all in and have both great sex and a hilarious story to tell my friends. Though in reality I wish every man could express positivity and warmth when he feels his feelings, this is primarily the situation that I’m faced with, so I've figured out a way to make it work for me.
There’s no true explanation or playbook on how to Top from the Bottom. I think that for me it’s the essence of what I feel makes me female. I know that I inherently have all of the control as soon as I come face to face with a new man. I know that there’s nothing I have to do in order to convince him. I’m simply looking to find someone who can meet my needs. If I am able to maintain the understanding that my power is unchanging whether or not he is in my life then my behavior just proceeds as normal: I get to indulge both my sexuality and emotional limitations and get fucked by a big strong Alpha or convincing fake Alpha and then go home and not worry about having given up any part of myself. If he is a good man then a mutually understood Sub/Dom dynamic will grow out of it. If he is an idiot well… he may just lose all the power that he’s been trying so desperately to steal. So I throw in some mean little quips sometimes. I castrate on occasion, ever so subtly, dismissively. Let me be clear that I’ve slept with some real fucking assholes. But it stays true to the dynamic that I describe here. While these dicks feel their egos bruised and battered with every date and interaction we face, I get exactly the kind of sex I like while they're living the fantasy that this is their opportunity to take the power back. It’s a win/win.
But take note – if you want to keep it a win/win don’t make the mistake of ever talking about Topping from the Bottom with a presumed Top. Don’t ever talk about what it really means to be a Sub. With any man. Any time. You’ll fuck with his head. You’ll be lied to. Manipulated. You’ll have terrible sex. Some cum withholding motherfucker will make you do Reverse Cowgirl then never take you to the Disco. Believe me. No one wants to know that you are aware of your own power. It kills the fantasy. So be a real Sub and secure the border. Know which questions deserve to be answered and which ones are traps. And by all means don’t do Reverse Cowgirl. At least don’t ever give that guy another chance. Because he’s just lied, exploited, and cheated the system. That’s Bottoming from the Bottom. Ain’t nobody got time for that shit.
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