It's Saturday Night Ladies. As we prepare ourselves for the inevitable bombardment of shitty opening lines and a little inappropriate waist-touching, we still keep our minds and hearts open for that one caller smart enough to actually click. Really though it's Saturday night right?? We'd prefer to let anyone click if they're doing half the job. I like to keep my options open, give men a break, let a couple of awkward moments slide. After all we look our best tonight - whatever dress or top or skirt or shoes we wasted all our good earned cash on earlier in the week was saved just for this evening. We don't only look hot as shit but we feel it, we worked for it, we deserve it! Most men can't handle a woman on a Saturday night! So I talk to everyone, no matter what, and if it's so rough that I have to be a condescending bitch it's in such an accepting tone that he doesn't even know it. For this is our weekend goal right? Meet people! Make friends! Meet new men! MAYBE GET LAID!! The Numbers Game isn't just a code for men, we have to work the system too, guys. Because while they're all hitting on every woman in sight one after the other, we're working to filter all that crap trying to decide which one is actually genuine. As a result of this you're going to have to do a lot of chatting, answering dumb questions, trying to ask your own, accepting a lot of dates, learning shit. At the very very least, exchange those damn phone numbers like a pro.
Unfortunately we're now past the age of writing down the number to your local pizza joint and never having to see an unwanted creeper again. But it's fine. We're ok. Just because someone has our information or we have theirs doesn't mean we owe each other anything. Give out your number, take his, most assholes these days will ask for it then call you, waiting for you to show them your phone ringing to seal the deal. Ok. Don't panic. The way you can regain control over someone forcing his digits on you is how you treat that virtual stranger in the confines of your own cell phone. With categorization techniques.
Over the years I've developed a system of labeling men that I meet in bars, online, socially, on the goddam street. It's really simple. You look at them as their lowest common denominator. Of course use a first name out of respect and so that you won't feel like an asshole if you ever have to see him again. But fill in the surname with a very simple descriptor that reminds you of him. Basic, overwhelmingly obvious, maybe a little stupid, or really attractive. Men who sleep with a lot of women do this by writing their last names as the bars where they were picked up. It's the same type of objectification however here you get to create more levels of classification. For example, there are some men that I meet and though I spend no time with again and they remain irrelevant to my life, I still know that they maintain one point of value if it should ever come up:
I like to take the most obvious thing that I can remember about someone when I add him to my phone. Last names are meaningless. Especially if you're dealing with some D list comedian who thinks he's famous and he's either worried that you'll find him on social media or that he can't sexually perform and he'll be exposed, so he only gives you the first letter of his last name. "P". Ladies. When a man only gives you the first letter of his last name first of all don't reward him with sex. Secondly save his name as "Chris Penile Herpes".
Here are some men who had some pretty normal non-diminishing signifiers. Though I swear I have no idea who the fuck the Parrot guy is.
Though I should probably know who Carlos Parrot is because that's a pretty identifiable name, not remembering him tells me I had no connection to that guy but the name also denotes no hostility, so if I ever got a text from him I'd know to be polite and steer him away with kindness.
What you DON'T want is a situation like this:
Now you don't know who or what the fuck you're dealing with.
I have a secret special contact that's so secret and special that I didn't even bother to write down that motherfucker's name because let me tell you about Novelty Fucks and my upcoming essay on Monday...
Though I'm sure that dink is happy that his identity is protected.
We can always use Bunching the common way that men do - by location. I usually do this when I'm traveling. Especially since I'm always at the same bars in Chicago anyway, and I'm sober, so I have much more to seek out and judge in order to assess how I'm placing these guys. But I have on occasion met men out of town and have had to label the ones I did not sleep with in order to know that texting is fruitless so let's all just chill.
However I find myself using one label more than any other these days. It has become a very common last name for many of my male suitors. I'm giving just a few examples here. This is actually a revised last name that comes after behavior on my contact's behalf. Ladies - I don't know your particular situation, but it makes it really easy for me to know when I get a text with this last name that he has already missed his chance for another meeting. (In most cases - for his first.)
But hey! If you're one who's into cockshots this is also a perfect way to know what you could get out of the next conversation instead of scrolling through your text history. The whole point of this exercise is to be able to manage all of those men in your life who aren't exactly in your life but they show up whenever the hell they want to. And maybe for the occasion when you just feel like sticking your hand in the grab bag.
We don't have to go out every night with the intention of meeting our next new everything. And we don't have to shit on every guy who is just doing his best get his. Or even some. Or maybe just a little. We're social animals and we can't get to the good stuff unless we're constantly practicing on each other. So let those idiots watch you as your phone rings with their number flashing on it. Save it. And pretend you're typing out whatever names or last names or last initials they're giving you. Then do what you have to do to make sure you've organized your book of men by who matters, who's got something interesting, who deserves a little attention and who might just big a big 0l' Dick.
And we all know, as I shouldn't even have to mention.... As soon as you meet someone whose first name is all you need to remember him, where you met, what he likes, what his first and second and third denominators are, well - you can put all those Birds and Motos and Dickpics on hold for a minute and try going on a couple dates. I'm sure you've got more hard-earned outfits in your closet for those too. You deserve it!