Tonight’s the night. We're dressing up. Getting drunk. Counting down. Starting fresh. I’m sure everyone’s made their goals. I’m sure we’re reading or hearing about everyone else’s goals. I’ve too made a list of what I’m planning to do in order to prevent all the bullshit that came my way, or maybe that I invited, in 2015. I like to think that I’m off to a good start. But it’s always helpful to put it in writing. Here is a glimpse of how I’m hoping to reconstruct my relationships with men in the coming year.
#1. Get Off. You heard me. Cum. Cum hard, cum well, cum often. Whether it’s with a partner or just by myself I need to get the fuck off. I think part of ignoring any fitness routine this year was also neglecting to take care of all physical needs which include the very important stress-reducing relief that is the orgasm. That in combination with the fact that I put in absolutely no effort to get laid has condensed me into a little knot of neurosis completely shut off from new sexual experiences. Though I’ve been complaining about having a hard time picking up men I haven’t actually been giving myself any opportunities. I’ve been well aware that I need to get my fuck on but not in any way sexualizing myself or even being open to the possibility. It’s time to activate. Activate! I won’t ever be available to someone if I’m not even available to myself. So let’s bring in a new year that is welcoming to oncoming dicks and fresh experiences. I’m now the proud owner of a brand new ball gag, it’s time to put myself in the position to actually use it.
#2. Control that stinger. Yes, I came into a pretty important discovery that I’m a human scorpion this year. It was essential for understanding why my relationships have all taken the inevitable turns that they have. While my Man Goals haven’t actually changed, my behavior certainly has to if I want to meet any of them. So stop being such a fucking bitch. Well let’s get real I am a bitch. But there’s a difference between having a sharp tongue and being a goddam sadist. I don’t have to be mean or position myself in order to feel powerful, I already have all of the power. Moving forward I’d like to be able to meet a man, maybe connect, have some sex, and let everyone relax and enjoy it until its natural conclusion. No more paralytic shocks post session when everyone thinks we’re having a great time. No more castrating perfectly normal men who are just trying to get to know me. No more trying to force Doms out of average fucking dudes who are really kind of terrified and if given the opportunity would be a hell of a lot more comfortable just doing whatever I want them to do including fucking me to my preference and then behaving like perfect gentleman afterwards. So stop the abuse. No one deserves to be emasculated. It’s not cute. Pushing Kevin Dunning to the ground and making him kiss the dirt when I was in 4th grade probably wasn’t that adorable either. I have a choice. Real scorpions only use that venom when they’re being threatened. Who’s threatening me, my own feelings? Put the stinger away. It’s better for everyone.
#3. Find New News. 2015 was a pretty desolate year for me. I’d like to call it a transition year. But I didn’t do much moving. I stayed put for a very long time. I remained attached to someone that I didn’t actually feel attached to. I chased another man that I didn’t really want long after we had both called it quits. I often hold onto relationships way beyond their expiration dates. I focus intently on what went wrong and somehow think that I can fix it retroactively. I have a really fucking hard time letting go and thus being available for new company. It’s not healthy to run out and search for a new man to take the place of someone that I’m still stuck on. It’s just a matter of unsticking myself in order to be able to see all the new men who cross my path, probably daily. I’d like to think that I’ve started this process. Hell, I feel like I’ve already completed it. I’ve had a really enlightening week. Suddenly Old Blood has dried, crusted and sort of flaked off disappearing into the wind. I’m left with barely a scratch. I’m ready and thirsty for that New Blood now. I can see you guys. Try me, I promise to spare your dicks.
#4. Put men second. Though this is a list about my relationship goals, this is a website only about men so I’m not going to share my fucking new running schedule or career plan. Men are still somewhat objects to me. Really good subjects of study. Great material for art. And yeah feelings coyote traps connections all that shit. But when it boils down they’re not an actual priority. Any time I’ve tried to map a 5 or 10 year plan the thought of a partner or any kind of companion never even enters my mind. I’m a goal-oriented person but it hasn't ever been my objective to couple up or to attach to another human. The problem is that I do anyway. I get lost in a man. I allow any path I’m on to stand still while I fret over some new dick that I’m either trying to land, trying to get close to, trying to get back, or just trying to fuck. Men are fucking irresistible! Ladies, we all know, we invest almost immediately when faced with a new prospect. With the possibility of love. Maybe just with the promise of regular sex so we can quit diminishing ourselves by putting on those sexy little outfits and posing like sitting ducks in a bar or finding our most flattering pictures and posting them on dating apps. Men are distracting as hell. It’s because human connection is important. Companionship feels wonderful. Sex is necessary. What I often lose sight of is that I get all of this, am putting myself first, and still somehow feel consumed. That even when I’m obsessing or fixating I’m doing it in a way where my own twisted mind games and provocations are only there to serve my needs. I may just be confusing what my actual needs are and going apeshit trying to reconcile them. Maybe most women are looking for a partner. Maybe it’s normal in the 5 and 10 year plans to include another person. But mine doesn’t and it never has. Can I chill the fuck out? When the next one comes along can I remember where he stands on my list of things to worry about? Know my priorities. And know that a man isn’t one. Fuck, it may actually make it easier to take off the pressure and focus on pleasure.
#5. Remember Christmas. If men are second then I have to know that I’m number one. I’ve been independent and living on my own for a really long time. I’ve known myself, what I stand for, what I care about, even longer. What I’ve never been sure of or at least confirmed, was that I’m fulfilled with just what I have as an individual. I don’t have feelings of loneliness. This may be because I’ve finally started working on a career that makes sense to me, that I care about, and have confidence in. That I’m doing what I love and what I feel proud of every time I finish a project. I also recently let go of the most toxic force in my life who confused the shit out of me and made it really difficult to find and pursue any trade whatsoever, and who many times tried to challenge my own identity. Not only dropping that asshole, I detached from most of my past hangups by Christmas Day and had no feelings of loss, regret, longing, or need. I just felt fucking happy. I chose whom I reached out to, getting appropriately reciprocated responses. And I chose to connect with a friend the next day which was just as important as being alone the night before. At the very end of this year I learned the vital lesson that will take me into 2016 and hopefully make all previous goals on this list really easy to accomplish: I am enough. With no voids to fill, no validation sought, no companion I’m missing - I can do whatever the fuck I want. I really have nothing to fear.
So here we go 2016. I’m ready for you. Sexual pleasure, new dicks, kinder words, and a lot of self-love. This all sounds pretty nice. I think I’m all set. With the week I have had I feel like I’ve already gotten a head start. Next up is to get dirty, get sexy, and get myself some action. Because someone, anyone, just one fucking person - has got to want to fuck me with that ball gag. I’ll find him. Or he’ll find me. And maybe I’ll actually be a nice person. Here’s to being a nice person. I may not see your dicks but I can pretend. What’s a visible invisible dick? Mirage Dick? I’ll give you imaginary dicks. A special imaginary dick. Now fuck me with it, there’s a lot to celebrate.
Happy New Year. May we all get our fuck on well and often. And may we all find pleasure. Let’s enjoy what we’ve got. And seek out what we enjoy. In the end we all just want to be happy and have a good time. So fuck, let’s have a good time.