Fuck this man. Actually fuck him. Yeah sure find out if you have chemistry etc etc but really for real just fuck the sexy bastard. Those pictures don't lie. He doesn't lie. Dirty fucking bird. What happened to my sex drive. All of a sudden I lose my orgasm because I have one fantasy about my male therapist because ok this is erotic transference from Ray because I get it it's Thanksgiving and all the feelings come back and they are some heavy fucking feelings and am I supposed to talk about the feelings so that I can get back to the fucking? I wrote about it all week. I wrote about it so much to such a monotonous degree that nothing was postable and I had to spend 3 days coming up with little shorts and good enough screen shots. What about Thanksgiving though. It's tomorrow. Remember last year? The sudden crash back into a relationship after a year of… that. Fear, anxiety, mistrust. The fucking anti dramatic drama. Then suddenly I'm supposed to bake a pie and meet his mother? When he's in London 3 weeks out of the month anyway? I was working so much, I got a self induced migraine, I bowed out of my speciality only thing I know how to bake someone else's recipe chocolate chip pies. I almost didn't show up that morning. My head hurt so much. I asked him if my ass looked fat. I think I used the word bodacious. Because it was, I had an ass for the first time ever, but it came with the extra 10 pounds. WHO THE FUCK ASKS HER BOYFRIEND ANYTHING, ANYTHING AT ALL ABOUT HER BODY?? Let me rephrase. When have I, ME, ever in my life, big or small, needed a man tell me what my body looks like. That's none of his business. I take care of my shit and I dress so well who gives a fuck whatever I'm shaped like under there. He was my boyfriend clearly he dug it. Goddam. The insecurity and fear I had just jumping back into a Serious Fucking Relationship with absolutely no discussion of what had happened between us or what we would do differently. No communication whatsoever. All I got was a simple “I'm ready now” and I was so desperate for another chance I never just said “I'm not.”
Because I should have communicated too. I had a lot to give back, a lot of amends to make. We never made amends. We just forced, literally forced intimacy as if nothing had happened between the moment we fell in love immediately breaking up September 2013 and that Thanksgiving 2014. Fuck man. Surprising me in the shower, the fear in my eyes was real. That's some real ass intimate shit. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how to be that woman so I copied what I saw in other women who do the serious boyfriend thing. I got really insecure about things that didn't matter. I stressed the fuck out over what to get him for Christmas. Like stressed. The. Fuck. Out. I tried to drop hints for what he should get me but in a totally crazy way because I didn't actually want anything I just wanted him to come home from Europe so we could sit across the table from each other and talk and stare like we used to do. How I do feel intimate with him. Brain chemistry. The meet. A connection. Not the idea of what being with him means or symbolizes. Or will do for me. Or for my future. Just like… total straight line I see inside your head you see mine oh we also gaze connection. And make each other smarter and better at our own problems. Life improvements not life comforts. He was a challenge I always won, and the same on his end. Just mutual growth. So. I'm here on Wednesday night without him because it didn't really matter, he just wanted… warmth is the only word I feel safe using. I gave him every kind of love I could. But when someone stops needing my brain and starts wanting that heart… I'm trapped. My brain is my heart. I don't see the separation, it's science. My mind controls everything, it has the upper hand which means its needs come first. When those needs are met my body gets warm and relaxed and comfortable and I feel love. Nothing sensory can tell me that I'm emotionally close or caring or cared for. Feed my brain and you're feeding my heart. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that that's how I work. I used to think that this made me more masculine in relationships. It actually is irrelevant to gender that's a totally archaic bullshit bias. It just now feels like it makes me less human.
So speaking of this lack of humanity. Here I am missing one of the only things I do value as a living animal and that's my sex drive. That was running rampant just a week ago. I have ample opportunity to fuck right now. I just, in the most adult conversation I think I've ever had, turned down an invitation last night. This new prospect… he's hot as fuck. He also does shit up my alley but way more evolved. Been looking for a teacher, for new experiences, not someone I have to bully into beating me up a little. One thing is clear, I can't sulk and think that I'm doomed because I'm not every other or at least most women in Chicago. I lose my confidence and likely confidence in my sexuality when I think that I'm supposed to be someone else. I'm not. I'm a hot hustling motherfucker. It's true. I just can't deal with Holidays when each one reminds me of someone trying to get close and me getting a migraine or refusing to bake a pie.
I have no idea what I'm legitimately looking for. But at this point I have to know exactly who I am, right? I have no regret or sadness over losing my entire family as a result of cutting my father out of my life this year, thus spending Thanksgiving brunch with a friend and gathering of her family etceteras, but I've gone into a stagnant state a numbing sadness knowing I've lost the only person I knew that I felt legitimate love for, and that he's found what he considers a different more appropriate normal basic ass legitimate love with someone else.
Yeah I need to get my fuck on. Just like now and a lot and well. It's the best way out. We'll deal with all the Christmas and Ray Charles when we get there. For now just… well I have a system. The dicks are back for sure. And fuck pretending to see them my dicks will remain invisible as long as I want them to. I have a system! I can do whatever the fuck I want.