I hate it. I can’t stop it. It won’t get out of my head. That Stupid Fucking Face. Every night and morning when I’m masturbating I’m just saying “Your Stupid Face, your Stupid Fucking Face!” What the fuck is going on.
I’ve never been so attracted to someone so dumb. He’s dumb right? Yeah he’s a total idiot. I don’t care. I want to just sit on that dumb face then make him sit on mine. Then like, fuck me all night like I have no choice and actually like really make me cum like he really could have that one time and I just kept it all to myself. Goddammit. Godfuckingdammit. Why do I get stuck on men who are bullshit. Such total fucking bullshit. He is totally watching my public Facebook posts, probably reading all my blog shit, and likely the coded posts I read on his PUBLIC PROFILE are exactly what I think they are and this is some mutual stalking bullshit that I can’t take anymore. I just can’t fucking take anymore.
Here, Velociraptor Man. Yes you. I forgive you if you forgive me. All of it. Just get naked and get me naked and don’t try to talk and then maybe after we’ll both be relaxed enough to be normal people. I promise not to get uncomfortable with comfortableness. Or castrate you. Really it’s the castrating. That’s what I promise not to do. Because I’m really fucking good at it. Without really knowing. So ok sure you get to keep your dick. Your big giant dick. Keep it. Or like, share it with me. I accept your dick. I praise your motherfucking dick. I worship the goddam cock ok?? This is reality. We are real people. We’re not characters on MadTV or whatever dumb shit you’re working on right now. We’re just fucking adults who have our own problems and are more impressive when we’re not trying to impress each other. Or everyone else on social media. Comethefuckon. Come the fuck on with that stupid face. Use it. Stop trying to use your brain. No. Use your brain. But use the good parts of it. Use that brilliant recall and the hold you have on language. Stop talking like a teenager. A social media teenager. Stop politicizing yourself. Be smart. Be a smart person. Be a funny person. But like, a smart funny person. Goddammit I want to teach you how to be a better person. This is where that fucking mothering thing comes in. It’s so fucked up. I actually want to nurture that stupid face. I want to take care of him and teach him. Give him confidence. Help him be his authentic self because his authentic self is a beautiful person. He’s that kid in high school that I always wanted to talk to and never had the courage to because I thought I was the loser playing all those stupid sports and hanging out with vapid bitches. And he wasn’t cool because he had any sense of the world or real issues or morality. But because he was a total fucking nerd in his own world that was creative and weird. He was a Oner. Like me. That no one really fucking got so you develop your own language and way of retaining information so that you’ll never feel like you’re out of loop in case anyone finds you out. Jesus Christ. Stop being so stupid and start being authentic. I just wrote the best essay I’ve written, I think, about our authentic selves. And it’s about another person that I judge the shit out of and have built up a wall of hostility towards when in reality I’d probably love her if she would drop the fucking act. I probably need more people like her in my life – sans act. She’s the mother that I never had. The girlfriend I was always afraid of getting close to. She’s the kind of person that I lose men to, I get bitter and pissed off about, and in the end realize OH FUCK they are so much better off and good for that bitch because I just don’t have it in me. But it’s this whole fronting thing. It’s believing that you have to be a certain person in order to get what you want. Or to be accepted. It’s fucking bullshit. I fucking hate seeing that in people. Especially people that I know are so much more interesting and valuable than the idiots they’re trying to be. Or the stupid crowds they’re trying to join. I picked up so many shitty habits and misguided values, learned behavior, because of the stupid crowds I was thrown into for the first 18 years of my life. In a way I didn’t choose it. I most certainly didn’t choose that fucked up community. Or my fucked up family. But I also didn’t really choose my friends. They came to me when everyone found out that I was good at sports. To someone who is shy as fuck socially and only expressive when she’s doing some batshit performance or writing dark as fuck stories I took the automatic friends and ran with it. It was a cowardly way out. And as much as I tried to force them into my world I got pegged as the weirdly leader of the group with an admiration that never came without judgment. But man. It took me a long fucking time to shed all the bullshit ideas about people and myself that I had accumulated growing up there. And now when I see other adults that still haven’t let go of their own bullshit it makes me want to shake them and say DO YOU KNOW HOW AWESOME YOU REALLY ARE??? STOP IT. FUCKING STOP IT!
I’ve started hashtagging shit as an outcry to all men I wish would just talk to me and settle the fuck down. It’s #yourefine. It comes a lot from my fear of how much men actually fear me. But also for that one particular Stupid Face that fronts so much I want to kick him. Just kick him in the shin so he kneels down to my level and I can hold his stupid face and say “You are fine. You are just fine the way you were born and you don’t have to prove shit to no one and you don’t have to dumb yourself down or smart yourself up you just have to be you. That’s magic. You’re magic. I believe in you. Your magic is real.”
Sometimes I get stuck on men. Sometimes I feel like I have unfinished business. They’re usually well on their way without me and it gets kind of pathetic on my part. I don’t know what I need from this guy. I don’t know why I always think I can change people. Why I think I’m some sort of beacon of truth that will blow their minds and automatically shift their souls into being exactly what I need in man. But I still do it. I still hold on until something wildly weird, wildly disappointing, or wildly new comes along.
Fuck. I’m a terror. Look at me, diminishing men while I’m getting off to them. Jesus Christ. I can’t help it though. I can’t help how I feel when I see that face. It’s such a stupid face. I want that Stupid Fucking Face.